Memory Child

I lost my first-born baby about three years ago. A girl…A beautiful girl. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately for some reason. I was 19 when I became pregnant for the first time. My husband then boyfriend and I had gone on a road trip through the Western part of the United States. We were going to make a stop at the Grand Canyon before we headed to Washington. When we got to Arizona we stopped at a Wal-Mart and I picked up a pregnancy test. I took the test in the wally world bathroom and when my results showed up, I remember feeling extremely dizzy. When we were back on the road and I told him the news, neither of us said a word but I knew my husband wasn’t upset because he had a smile on his face the whole time.

From the moment my husband and I first spoke our spark was  instant and so fast that I felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride… in a good way…a butterflies in your stomach kind of way. Like we were meant to be together. (cheesy I know… but real) 

We finally made it to the Grand Canyon and I remember we were sitting together on a rock just inches away from the actual canyon watching the sunset. (you havent seen the Grand Canyon until you’ve seen it with a sunset). And he wrapped his arms around me and said its going to be ok. Watching the pink, orange and purple sky reflect in the most beautiful place on earth showed me what a blessing I had growing inside my body and I was happy. Even though she was here only for a little while, she is was still a blessing.   I was lucky enough to have a few days with my beautiful angel and I couldn’t have asked for more.

It’s the most devastating experience in the world to lose a child but we have to remind ourselves that everything happens for a reason. We as mothers, and fathers come back from this experience stronger than ever. We learn to appreciate the family that we do have. My husband and I have become closer than ever because we got through it together. And I always say that we have a true angel looking after us.

I wrote this poem for my little angel. It was published in RedInk magazine.

Only In Memory Now

Sacred hands stroke my belly

blossomed with stretch marks,

A medicine man prays over my womb.

Cradled in his blessed palms

We imagine what could be…

… Making one last trip to the mid-wives’ office,

only to hear that my unborn child’s bones

have miraculously reached across her chest

and she will be able to breathe without a machine’s assistance.

                       She will breathe.

… Going through an unforgettable procedure

with complete strangers hovering over me with a knife at my belly,

only to hear my baby cry

while they place her precious body into my arms.

              She is going to live.

Hope criss crosses around my heart that night

and when I go for my check up the next day,

that seam is ripped and my heart bleeds into the puddle of no faith

that always drips from the mid-wives’ over coats.

          They do not know faith, only science.

Dark clouds slowly roam through the sky,

And I give birth to the most beautiful girl I have ever known.

She had our hair

    Dark, soft.

My nose

    Round, pudgy.

His eyes

    Almond shaped and colored.

My skin

    Our faces could blend into the same portrait.

His toes

    Unnaturally gapped.

She had our heart

    Strong enough, to breathe just enough, to overcome scientific predictions.

In the light we watched her sleep,

and through darkness she held my hand in song:

Hush little baby don’t you cry

mammas gonna be right by your side,

and when creator comes for you

I’m gonna miss you and daddy will too.

And then he came,

and then she went.

Her spirit swam through tears and out of my arms.

It’s been said before how it’s the worst

thing for a woman to learn to love her womb in nine months

And then walk out with nothing.

We walked out with inspiration,

appreciation,

to live in honor of her.

To share forever with each other.

I cradle her with my thoughts

I feed her with prayer

because I was given three beautiful days with my beautiful baby.

Grand Canyon Picture site: www.ego4u.com

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. veehcirra
    Aug 09, 2011 @ 05:45:21

    This is a very moving poem, my eyes welled up as I was reading it. Your daughter was lucky to have you, and am sure wherever she is right now she is smiling down at you…

    Reply

  2. unsungpoet
    Aug 11, 2011 @ 16:18:35

    What could I say about this poem that would do it any well-deserved justice?…It is simply beautiful and sad and moving…such rich and rare emotion…

    Reply

  3. cspeno
    Aug 21, 2011 @ 00:47:49

    I a beautiful post and a beautiful poetic tribute to your little girl. She will always be in your hearts. You write with feeling and passion. Keep up the great work!

    Christine//
    http://www.wordsetcwriting.com

    Reply

  4. munteng
    Aug 28, 2011 @ 14:24:22

    it’s such a bittersweet read..

    Reply

  5. knitayear
    Aug 29, 2011 @ 15:10:14

    A truly beautiful poem, thank you so much for sharing.
    I just read it , not expecting to find exactly what i needed to find…………..today is the anniversary of losing my son .
    You have inspired me to write something about him.
    best wishes, jay

    Reply

  6. Diane Sherlock
    Sep 02, 2011 @ 23:53:49

    Memory Child – what a great phrase. I have a memory child as well (and thankfully 2 healthy ones in this world). Beautiful post.

    Reply

  7. Valsa
    Sep 03, 2011 @ 14:33:09

    Your poem is heart rending …i feel as if it’s my pain…for i have gone through this today i have a daughter thanks to the Lord yet….something somewhere hurts
    God bless

    Reply

  8. Deborah Serravalle
    Sep 04, 2011 @ 17:30:09

    What a beautiful tribute to your daughter. My daughter lost a baby last year (she’s carrying another child now) and although she never got to hold that baby in her arms, the loss was great for all of us.

    I was directed to this site via your husband’s. I just had to visit it because he said he was married to the most beautiful woman in the world! Talk about tributes! You gotta admire a man that says that about his wife.

    Lovely site; beautiful writing.

    Reply

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